you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
