SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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