I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
