Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
