Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
