how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
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