Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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