I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
50% drunk capacity currently
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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