I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I checked into jail on foursquare
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
