I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
