wakey wakey hands off snakey
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
