This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
