and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
