How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's always time for handjobs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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