I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
