god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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