I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
