hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
