i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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