So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
