what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
