Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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