Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
