At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I would fuck him just for his dog
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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