So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
