he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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