Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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