when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize