I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
