I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
