In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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