they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
