Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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