I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need moral support for this bender
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
