If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
