So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
