Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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