she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
