oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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