I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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