Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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