I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
