I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
