i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize