Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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