It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
