Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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