This is not my ceiling
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
