Apparently you make a good broom.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
