Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
