She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize