Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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