Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
