I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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