i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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