dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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