i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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