it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
