I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
