I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
God I need to hump something, right now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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