He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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