I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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