my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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