Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
